WHO AM I?

1989 – I’m born. Parents name me Pranav Pathak. Changed it to Akshar 2 months later.

1993 – My parents tried losing me at the Sarojini Nagar market. But I was always very good at finding them.

1994 – Started kindergarten. Slept with hotwheels underneath my pillow. I used to have a voice like Justin Bieber…then I turned Five. Till then, people thought I was cute; not once  after this.

1995 – Cool kids at school, who had cable tv, talked about Boogie-Woogie while I could only watch Srimaan Shrimati on Doordarshan. Won the first (of many hence on) painting competition. Always envied the kids who had the 64 count camel crayons. Had to ask in shame if I needed a skin-coloured crayon. Got bit by a monkey in Agra. Have been scared of monkeys ever since.

1996 – Realized that ‘ullu ka patha’ is not the biggest swear word in the world. Owned the coolest Dragon Ball-z pencil box ever. Even though I had no idea what Dragon Ball-z was, back then. Used to pour shots of Canada Dry in the bottle cap.

1997 – Ate 3 packets of lays a day to collect the Tazos. Watched Titanic. Got curious about what they were doing in the car. Best friend in school tried explaining what sex is. I didn’t believe him.

1998 – Got a computer at home. Started playing Bow and Arrow. And Mario. And  ‘Dave’. Could never cross the 8th Level. Had read all Tinkle/ Goosebumps/ Animorphs/ Tintin  books by now. Watched cartoon network all day long. Wondered while watching The Jetsons, if my car will ever fold up into a briefcase. Survived on Crax and Fun Flips.

1999 – Got dial-up internet. Discovered online porn. Got into trouble when parents found out. Learnt how to erase browsing history soon and all had been fine since then. Realized there’s no reason to hate girls. Used to think condoms are for HAVING kids.

2000 – Devang Patel was my hero. Would trot around the house singing this. Proper Hindi/English punctuation still eluded me…just like how aunties at kitty parties are unaware of noise levels.

2005 – Took my tenth boards. Forced parents to buy me a cell-phone before the boards results came out – Just in case.  Batman doesn’t check the sky as much as I checked my new phone.

2006 – Made the biggest mistake of my life by opting for PCM in the 12th. Flunked all exams for the next two years except English. A friend helped me with physics. I was only a Bodhi tree away from enlightenment. Figured since I’m clearly not photogenic I have earned the moral rights to use photoshop.

2007 – Finished with school. First cigarette. Got admission into NIFT. Learnt how to drive, although driving is like third on my list of things to do while I’m driving.

2009 – Watched enough movies to make ones eyes bleed. The only 24 Hour light source in my room was the laptop screen. Was made to step aside at airport security checks since my goatee made me look like a terrorist.

2010- Broke my ankle – first fracture of my life. Spent a month in bed eating kfc chicken buckets and watching LOST. Spent four college years worrying about attendance shortage. First Internship (Nike) First paycheck:– Rs. 7500/-

2011 – Graduated.  Got a job.

2012- Minimal Bollywood Posters happened. Got published in about 90 newspapers and magazines. Gave a few TEDx talks.  I face stage fright in public restrooms, so all this was relatively this was much bigger. Put up an Exhibition at IHC. Life was about to be all about champagne, coke and throwing tv’s out of windows from then on. Not. Met the girl of my dreams. There’s almost no scary movie left that we haven’t watched together. Our favorite is probably ‘The Cabin in the Woods‘. We plan to travel around the globe and cover most of the countries within the next five years.  Then we get married and have kids. Cos the amount of times I’ve had to say NO! to facebook games and events invitations, has totally prepared me to be a father already. Started working at Zomato.

2013 – Tweetard happened. Facebook started looking more like hahahahhahawhythefuckaremyfriendsgettingmarriedsoearlybook. Now I run TWO facebook pages better than most people run one. It’s true. I’m not bragging. I’m just telling you people that I don’t have a life.

25 comments

  1. sumit

    one of the best about me I have read so far !!!

    sumit

  2. Saw bollywood posters designed by you…great work….bumped into above piece of ‘About Me’..again great one.. You have left me inspired for the day.

  3. So…you can write, you can draw, you are funny, you can click good pictures…
    Is there something you can’t do…don’t tell me its maths…please…
    bonus…you watch “English movies till your eyes bleed” :D….

  4. he he
    people like you make this world a funny place to live!! keep rocking!!

  5. AKG

    Hey, this blog is so hilarious, and has so much of your personality in it 🙂 I’m excited to see what you come up with next!

    Hugs,
    Anu
    http://www.themuseflash.com
    http://www.facebook.com/themuseflash

  6. AKG

    Oh, and ingenious name by the way. “Pouch Cotato” < almost hard to pronounce!

  7. Truly! the most awesome ‘About Me’ i have read so far. I have in search for fellow wordpress bloggers to follow. The best one I found. Could relate to you till 2005 sans the girlfriends part. Acads was my strong point. so.. Hoping to read more stuff of yours

  8. Tejas

    From_@ me:

    you (The Ak Pathak),
    are a MachoMAN!:p

  9. oh btw. I WAS the one who has taken your permission for pouch cotato domain name on twitter. . remember?

    we are linked somewhere on the virtual world. i am famous , bitch!

  10. oh btw. I WAS the one who had taken your permission for pouch cotato domain name on twitter. . remember?
    we are linked somewhere on the virtual world. i am famous , bitch!

  11. Spriha

    Dave, was awesome.
    And the jetpacks.

  12. riddhima

    This is the sweetest “brief” about me i’v ever read. Awesome!! 🙂

  13. Neha Sharma

    Thank God, I wasn’t the only one who thought condoms were for ‘having’ kids. Btw, big fan Akshar.

  14. Aniket Krishna

    One of the best “about me”…………….. Your “24 Hour light source” is same for me….so Hi 5!

  15. OMG! Love everything about this, mostly cos i could relate to almost everything on this list! 😛

  16. “There’s almost no scary movie left that we have *not* watched together.” 🙂

  17. “moral rights to use photoshop” 😛

    Loved about me, i mean yours! 🙂

  18. Karandeep Malik

    Please give a second thought to “having kids”. Kuttey aur bachhey doosroan ke hi achhey lagtey hain 😀

  19. Vasudha Kothiwal

    Hi Akshar,
    I am a graphic designer. I need your help in graphic designing. I would be glad if you help me.
    Reply me please.

  20. Well! I thought You were talking about my life until I read the last few sentences :/ Mujhe mere jeevan ka lakhshya mil gaya hai 😀 Thanks O:)

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